It rhymes with really... as in this movie REALLY REALLY sucks

Larry Gigli (Affleck) is a lunkheaded mob enforcer with an unpronounceable name ("It rhymes with really," he keeps saying). His new assignment is to kidnap the younger (mentally challenged) brother of a federal judge who has the power to put some crooked New York-based mob boss away for life.

This is truly a ground breaking movie. There's a retarded guy who says funny things at the wrong time. True, it has been done before. But never with so little class or in such an offensive way. It's the 99 cent store version of Rain Man (by the way, that is a good movie and you should rent it). There is so much syrup surrounding him in this movie that he could open an IHOP franchise. It's interesting to note that Brian never actually realizes he's been kidnapped. Oh and he's obsessed with Baywatch.

And the dialogue - sweet, screaming Jehosephat, it's awful.

Ricki (Lopez) is sent to babysite Gigli in case anything goes wrong. Some pretty odd and hard to believe plot twists seperating two people are common in romantic comedies these days (Sleepless in Seattle comes to mind), but keeping Gigli and Ricki apart is that Ricki is a lesbian. Watching Affleck try to distract her sexually while she's reading a book is embarrassing. Think: Winnie the Pooh coming on to Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Sadly, the best scene in this movie is an argument over whether the penis or vagina is the better sexual part.

Lopez is the only one who gets out of this alive - and even so, she's pretty badly maimed after delivering a sexual-politics monologue while doing some sort of exercise/meditation that must've been culled from the Kama Sutra.

Christopher Walken stumbles through a small scene, trying to charge a superfluous character with some kind of oomph. And just when you think things can't possibly get any worse, Al Pacino shows up in a performance so ripely hammy you half expect him to turn into a pork rind. When Christopher Walken is in your movie and its still bad, just give up.

Ben Affleck is simply a black hole. He sucks the energy out of every scene he is in. This is actually the same guy that was in "Chasing Amy" and "Changing Lanes". Why does he have a French sounding name? We don't know because we never learn anything about any of these peoples backgrounds. Affleck plays Gigli as Edward Burns on stupid pills.

There is no way these two are killers for the mob. They don't have the disposition for it. And consider this: If you had kidnapped the highly recognizable Rain Man brother of a top federal prosecutor, would you drive him all over Los Angeles in a convertible with the top down, and take him to restaurants and malls?

They try to convince you that not only are these characters hardened criminals, but that they're lovable hardened criminals. Neither works.

One recurring metaphor Gigli employs for the battle of the sexes, gay or straight, is that it all comes down to bulls (him) and cows (her). Maybe that explains why "Gigli" is such a pile of manure.

"Gigli" is a movie in which fish feast on brains that have been blown into an aquarium (the bullet would've shattered the tank, but never mind), a mentally challenged boy yearns for beach babes, and cutesy thugs argue over who's the bull and who's the cow in their relationship, even though the woman requests a sexual act by saying, "It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble." Yeah. You read that correctly. The single worst line in any movie. Ever.

Acting: F

Story: F

Retarded dude: F

Jennifer Lopez: A+

Overall: F


				*Blank Space* *It rhymes with really... as in this movie REALLY REALLY sucks*



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		Before I get started on Gigli, can anyone tell me what's going on with Chernoble these days? For some reason, talking about this movie reminded me of that. To start off, no I haven't seen and I hope I never will. Because of that, I won't review it myself. Rather, I'll give the reader some things that other people are saying and add my own comments. The readers can then decide for themselves.



		Larry Gigli (Affleck) is a lunkheaded mob enforcer with an unpronounceable name ("It rhymes with really," he keeps saying). His new assignment is to kidnap the younger (mentally challenged) brother of a federal judge who has the power to put some crooked New York-based mob boss away for life. This is truly a ground breaking movie. There's a retarded guy who says funny things at the wrong time. True, it has been done before. But never with so little class or in such an offensive way. It's the 99 cent store version of Rain Man (by the way, that is a good movie and you should rent it). There is so much syrup surrounding him in this movie that he could open an IHOP franchise. It's interesting to note that Brian never actually realizes he's been kidnapped. Oh and he's obsessed with Baywatch. And the dialogue - sweet, screaming Jehosephat, it's awful. Ricki (Lopez) is sent to babysite Gigli in case anything goes wrong. Some pretty odd and hard to believe plot twists seperating two people are common in romantic comedies these days (Sleepless in Seattle comes to mind), but keeping Gigli and Ricki apart is that Ricki is a lesbian. Watching Affleck try to distract her sexually while she's reading a book is embarrassing. Think: Winnie the Pooh coming on to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Sadly, the best scene in this movie is an argument over whether the penis or vagina is the better sexual part. Lopez is the only one who gets out of this alive - and even so, she's pretty badly maimed after delivering a sexual-politics monologue while doing some sort of exercise/meditation that must've been culled from the Kama Sutra. Christopher Walken stumbles through a small scene, trying to charge a superfluous character with some kind of oomph. And just when you think things can't possibly get any worse, Al Pacino shows up in a performance so ripely hammy you half expect him to turn into a pork rind. When Christopher Walken is in your movie and its still bad, just give up. Ben Affleck is simply a black hole. He sucks the energy out of every scene he is in. This is actually the same guy that was in "Chasing Amy" and "Changing Lanes". Why does he have a French sounding name? We don't know because we never learn anything about any of these peoples backgrounds. Affleck plays Gigli as Edward Burns on stupid pills. There is no way these two are killers for the mob. They don't have the disposition for it. And consider this: If you had kidnapped the highly recognizable Rain Man brother of a top federal prosecutor, would you drive him all over Los Angeles in a convertible with the top down, and take him to restaurants and malls? They try to convince you that not only are these characters hardened criminals, but that they're lovable hardened criminals. Neither works. One recurring metaphor Gigli employs for the battle of the sexes, gay or straight, is that it all comes down to bulls (him) and cows (her). Maybe that explains why "Gigli" is such a pile of manure. "Gigli" is a movie in which fish feast on brains that have been blown into an aquarium (the bullet would've shattered the tank, but never mind), a mentally challenged boy yearns for beach babes, and cutesy thugs argue over who's the bull and who's the cow in their relationship, even though the woman requests a sexual act by saying, "It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble." Yeah. You read that correctly. The single worst line in any movie. Ever. Acting: F Story: F Retarded dude: F Jennifer Lopez: A+ Overall: F



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