This is quite possibly the biggest (and longest) thing that will EVER happen at Blank Space. Bill O'Reilly couldn't do it, but somehow we were able to. I present now to you my exclusive interview with New York Senator Hilary Clinton.

BS: Hey Hilary. Its great to see you.

HC: Very nice to meet you and be in the Blank Space office.

BS: Yes, I do have a nice basement. Now let us get down to the serious, hard-hitting questions.

HC: All right.

BS: We hear that your brain weighs a massive thirty pounds. Would you say you're smarter than your husband?

HC: No, I wouldn't say that. However, unlike Bill, I'm smart enough to buy the big pack of Slim Jims at the supermarket instead of individually at the 7-Eleven. Also, I've never had my head caught in the sink.

BS: Well, you're only a hillbilly by marriage right? Any funny stories about Bill?

HC: Well it took me three hours to explain to him why Murray from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" looked so much like Captain Stubing from "Loveboat."

BS: How is Billy doing these days?

HC: He's well-rested.

BS: How do you know?

HC: He doesn't get winded after eating a taco. And also, he can punch out Bob Dole with one hit.

BS: Impressive. You know his scandal made the news a few years ago.

HC: I noticed. But we all make mistakes.

BS: Well I know have! ::laughs uncomfortably:: [thinks: like this interview...] What mistakes have you made?

HC: I beat Sam Donaldson to the ground with a nine iron once. Also, I invited Ted Kennedy over for an open bar.

BS: Ouch. Any other scandals we don't know about?

HC: I'm the real reason behind the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez break-up. Also, I once tried to build a bong out of Al Gore.

BS: So do you have any tips for making your man happy? I'm sure our female readers will love this.

HC: Ketchup flavored lip gloss. Also, fry everything.

BS: Do anything for Christmas?

HC: Watched "Its a Wonderful Life." So much better when you're stoned.

BS: I'm sure. New Year's Resolutions?

HC: Outlaw the Jets.

BS: We're interested to know what your screen name is for Instant Messanger.

HC: B173_M3_71pp3r

BS: Sesame Street. You weren't invited back. Why?

HC: I recommended a puppet tax.

BS: Did demanding your dressing room's fridge be stocked with malt liquor have anything to do with it?

HC: Al Gore was right. You do smell bad. Can I give a shout-out to my man Timberland?

BS: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Your book. It may be the best seller of the year. I hear its only because people thought it was the new Harry Potter book. Do you get a discount if you've had sex with Bill?

HC: The book is about getting through the lies and finally getting to the truth.

BC: The politically motivated, embellished truth? Don't worry; I shredded the Whitewater chapter. Are you running for president?

HC: I've said no.

BS: Running for senator again?

HC: Sure am.

BS: Think you'll get re-elected?

HC: I've got a great strategy this time. If I'm re-elected, I'm bringing back the McRib again.

BS: Mmmm. How are you planning to improve your image?

HC: Two words: Wonder Bra. Also, I'm showing kids the dangers of crack by getting high on "Meet The Press."

BS: What else would you do if re-elected?

HC: I've worked on a new crime bill and I'm still pushing for health care reform.

BS: We hear you've made some changes to your health care plans. Can you explain it to us?

HC: Sure. Al Gore is band-aid czar. Every American gets a free cough drop. Anyone with 20/20 vision gets paid royalties by the show "20/20." Plastic surgery would no longer be legal for Joan Rivers. Roger can just write his own prescriptions. Turn head and cough exam will be done by Adriana Lima.

BS: Wow. How will all that be paid for?

HC: Sneeze tax.

BS: We'll get to the crime bill in a moment, but can you please give me some financial tips since you seem to have that all down?

HC: Well don't buy furniture. Just borrow it from the Smithsonian like I do. Extra Value Meals. Whatever you do, don't buy land in Arkansas.

BS: I'll keep that in mind. Now tell us about the crime bill.

HC: Every tenth caller to 911 gets a free pair of Metallica tickets. It would also be illegal to yell "BINGO" when you don't really mean it. It would be illegal for George Bush to be president and would be punishable by execution, half time at the super bowl.

BS: I think that about raps it up...

HC: Oh wait drew. There's one more thing.

BS: Is there? [Oh no!]

HC: ::Raises skirt slightly:: You promised you'd do something for me if I did this interview...

Damn. Hilary Clinton sex. That's all you need to Mr. O'Reilly.